so this is the first halloween where I'm pretty much dressed like a streetwalker for parties. I'm actually uber excited. especially considering that i look less like a streetwalker than other girls will, I'm pretty proud.

well, devoted readers, I am terribly troubled to tell you (nice alliteration?) that sadly, it is nothing but a new day and the same crap.

I just returned home from school prior to cosmetology to be extremely hungry and not wanting to make food. TV Dinners were invented for lazy people like me.

Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes does not in the least sound appetizing, surely, but it will do the job. I wish I had a steady job that I could have a little extra cash to go get some fast food.
Or get a sub or something.
I am starving!
Alright.
Yeah.
Also, I let myself fall into a pit of depression and pity last night.
Bad idea, so now I'm going to just have a craaappy day.
Excuse me, I must put on my uniform and makeup.
peaceout.

So.

I realized that I had been inactive on this blog for so long that it erased everything.
And here I am, starting all over again.

Starting over new may be something I'm used to by now. It's funny how you become so comfortable with life that you're blinded by people and other nouns until they go ahead and blind-side your Helen Keller-ass.

The summer was long up until August 10th, when things became easy.
Starting in June, I started going on a few dates with Adam.
But he was shady. Very. He would not call me for a few days, only to begin dating his ex again, and put me on and off.
I think I finally learned this summer never to make someone a priority when you are only an option in comparison to their own priorities.
By the middle of the summer, I had given up on him, only for him to come to realize that he wanted back into my life.
He had apologized relentlessly for being a jerk, and I [foolishly] accepted his apology, like a good Christian would.

“Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21,22).

I was, however, wary of his actions, watching his every move. And finally, he once more messed up.

Well.
Probably. Twice. or Thrice more.

He firstly commented that we were, "Just good friends that kissed" to me when leaving my house one day after returning from his Floridian vacation. I waited and talked to him on the phone every night while he visited his mother there, waited for a week while he made small empty promises, just for him to tell me that.

I was slightly unhappy about that, so I sadly retreated to my room and sleeping all day and night.

This occurred on a Friday night, only for him to promise that night on the phone that he "would call me tomorrow." The promise followed him telling me how he thought he needed to be single for a while because he was too, in his own words, "fucked up" to be in a relationship.

I did not ask him to promise me anything; I would have rather him not promise me anything whatsoever, honestly, because if he can't keep a promise, why would he make it?

So, not thinking anything of it, I spend my Saturday with two really good friends, making a trip to Busch's at some point, and making a Kroger trip for Pizza Rolls (as they were a bit cheaper there in bulk) later on.
After completely forgetting about the promise Adam had made to me, I sat eating pizza rolls with my friends. 11 pm came, and I remembered the promise. Before driving home from Ryan and Justin(the friends)'s home, I thought once more on it and then returned to my house.

After sleeping for about 4 hours, I heard my mom return home from going out with her friends and woke up.

Rolled over.

Checked the cell phone.

No calls, no texts, no sign of life from any of my friends, let alone Adam. I believe the only thing I could feel at that point was extreme disappointment in myself for believing that he could keep his word. The perfect song lyric by a band called Archie Star totally would describe that moment.

"I've got the cellular phone whispering I'm alone. I don't know, but baby, it knows that you're gone."

Instead of passively ignoring it, I passive aggressively sent him a text message saying, "Glad to see you're a man of your word."

I fell back asleep, stayed in bed until about noon, and awoke that Summer, Sunday morning, to three missed calls, one voice mail, and a ringing phone.

Since 9 a.m. I had received these calls, all from the man of his word himself, Adam.
The message was stating how sorry he was and that he messed up royally, which was an obvious one.
I ignored his call.
That was the first time I had ever ignored a call from him, and as hard as it was to do, it felt so damned good. Once I had done it, it felt amazing.

Until 5 p.m., I ignored every other call. Finally, I answered one. All apologies, he began telling me how he was "supposed to go on a date" that night but he realized that he couldn't do it and called this other girl to tell her that he "was in love with someone" and hadn't realized it prior to now. He then continued with asking me if he could bring me something by.

I reluctantly and confusedly agreed to let him. My next fault. My next weakness. I should have said no. But I did not.

He came over, bringing me a dozen roses and a bag of my favorite tea from Teavana.
Of course, as a teenage girl, I was completely lovestruck. What the hell else was I supposed to be? The first guy to bring me flowers, the first guy to dote on me, completely blinded me from his faults and his wrongdoing with things that make girls swoon.

I let him back in that night, which I shouldn't have done.
We spent every other day hanging out following that, until he once more pulled a "I need to be single/we should just be friends/we're good friends that kiss" thing (because that is now the official name for these things).

This time, I ruthlessly told myself that I was done. I had effing HAD it with this, I was better than that, and I don't deserve that treatment.

Which I don't deserve that. I really don't.

He called the next day.
I ignored it.
He left me a message.
Didn't call him back.
He called me Sunday.
5 times.
And I ignored every single one.

One voicemail later, more calls. He called my house phone even. It was getting pathetic. At some point, his best friend Arman and Arman's best friend Sean came over. They are also close friends of mine, so it wasn't anything unordinary. Arman is a very, very good guy, and a loyal friend to either parties of the relationship. So it may have put him in a tough place, and he was actually pretty angry that Adam had blown me off and him off lately. He approved of me ignoring Adam's calls.

So finally, when Adam gave up calling me, he called Arman. And asked him if he wanted to hang out. Arman replied with, "Uhhhh I'm at Chloe's so I don't know!" Adam probably immediately knew, but still asked Arman if I had my phone. Arman lied, and told him my mom took it away from me because I had been mouthy earlier.

So, after asking if he could come over, Arman asked me if Adam could come over hah. and I gave in, because what was I supposed to say?

So, Adam came over.

Adam, Sean, and Arman all started the night playing Euchre with my dad.

A four person game.
So, I, out of sheer boredom, went on facebook and myspace, and cracked open, stupidly, some Captain Morgan Spiced Rum. Getting completely wasted sounded perfect to pull me into my depression even less, right!? Right. HA.

So I continued drinking and going on facebook, and the boys must have started another game, because suddenly Adam appeared in the computer room next to me and stood watching me for a few moments.
He said nothing, and I raised an eyebrow, didn't even turn to him, and merely said (Thank you alcohol for being a truth serum), "I didn't get my phone taken away."

He replied with an, "I figured."

Thanks to my very large buzz, I completely continued to bitch out this first-date-kisser-liar-pants-mcgee in various ways. He had said at one point in the discussion about what a total jerk he was that I shouldn't "trust him", in which I replied with, "I don't."

I told him how felt, how he thinks I'm dumb and that I don't know and that I do know, and I stated how whenever I was drunk this summer he would tell me that he loved me and probably thought it was easy for his noncommital ass because I wouldn't remember, but I did. I told him how much I loathed him for everything, and what did it bring me?

Somehow, by the end of the night, we started dating.

And after that, we were together at least every other day. I would drive there, he here, us everywhere. Everyone knew us as Chloe and Adam, attached at the hip. We did everything together.

When he didn't have a vehicle, I took him to work several times. I took us places for dates. He would drive my truck when I had almost gotten in an accident and was shaky, or I would let him if he had an urge to due to no vehicle. He paid for everything, he gave me his old computer when mine died, my parents invited him to sleep over in the RV outside at night so he could stay longer. He bought me and my mom guitar hero Aerosmith with a new controller. We found him a cheap but good vehicle to buy. We provided him with home cooked meals whenever he wanted, seeing as he hadn't had a real home cooked by mom meal in years. I took him to his on-call firefighter interview, and was proud of him when he was accepted. He was my everything, and told me I was his.
And everything was perfect. I thought I was being blessed and thanked by God for putting up with his crap, I thought that forgiving had finally paid off. I wanted to wake up every day, solely to hang out with him. He made me feel worthwhile, he and I laughed at each other's jokes. Being a martyr finally had its perks.

And then, things changed. Rapidly. Within hours of a perfect date. Suddenly, he was confused. He went from telling me I was his everything to telling me that he didn't know what he wanted. And so I waited. I waited for him to know.

He kept a picture of her, the one that I could never be, the girl that broke his heart enough for him to have to break mine, in his wallet. and he thought that I never knew- which brings me back to the point that he always acted like I was naive and dumb. Naive, yes. Naive enough to be a good person and forgive others, naive enough to trust the human race, to believe that people change. But never dumb. He lacked the memory capabilities to recall that I have eyes and ears everywhere. I know everyone and everything. I am outgoing, I am a social butterfly, and people tell me everything, and I see everything. I am observant. I am attentive. I can remember days and months in perfect, color, LCD screen mindframes.

So when he told me he felt like an "asshole" for keeping it in his wallet and that he can't believe he kept it from me I should have been forewarned. He folded it right there and threw it out in the trash of the computer room.
Did the warning signs reach me in time?

No, of course not.
I was too busy trying to be at his side in his 'hour of confusion and need', to help him figure things out, to remind him his little high school girlfriend wanted things to work.
And his text messages never warned me either. I am not a jealous girlfriend, to an extent. Had his ex-girlfriend been saying worse things via text, then I may have been a little concerned. But a simple "we should catch up" did not worry me. It made me think, "Oh good! They're being civil."

He left that night, no kiss.

I don't know if, from that point of my life on, I have ever felt as alone as I did that night or in recent weeks. How broken I've felt.

You can imagine what happened, now, I'm sure.

The next day, he told me he didn't know what he wanted, and he would tell me when he did know.
I hung up the phone, I threw it, I cried, I screamed. How could I have been so fucking DUMB?

He called back. He said he was unhappy with the relationship at this point in time.
It sounded more like a court hearing than a break up.
"Then let's break up if you're so unhappy."
"People can change! I think we should work through this."

He wouldn't just let me end it then.

So, we talked for thirty minutes. and then he dumped me.

Wasted thirty minutes of my life just so he could keep his dignity.
He kept telling me that he didn't want to be in any other relationships, that it wasn't because he wanted to see other people, that he needed to be single for a while.

I told him how I felt in one simple sentence.
I felt my words turn cold, mean, and harsh. I hope they fucking stung him. I hope those words will ring in his head for a very long time, and I hope they hurt him. The caring, soft tone of my voice that I had for him, the tender way I spoke to him, was no longer there. He was just a person that I once knew and would never know again.

"Well, then, I wish you hadn't said some of the things you said, and made some of the unnecessary promises that you had made. I guess I'll see you around." Click.

One of the things I had told myself, after leaving an 11-month long relationship with the boy who I think will always be my first real love, the first boy that I truly deeply cared about, I had told myself that I would take my love life much slower, and there would not be any I love you's. I was too young for that.

And for the first few weeks of my relationship with Adam, I couldn't do it.
I couldn't say it back.
And wouldn't.

and all he did was say that, over and over, relentlessly, it felt so awkward. And when I finally forced myself to tell him it, it was hard for me. but I did it.

I told him those three words that mean so much less the sooner you say it, and they mean so much less the sooner they're revoked by the other party.
As much as people say to live without regret, I cannot live without it. I do regret saying that to him, because it is something I cannot take back. And, although I am young, I do believe I may have loved the person that he was that month we were completely together. And I love the karma that is bitch slapping him right across the face.

Three days after our break up, I found from reliable sources that he slept over at his ex-girlfriend's apartment in Detroit the night prior to a very important Firefighter practice test that he NEEDED to be at.

I also found out that he slept with her.
He got lost on the way back from her place, and missed his exam.

A week later, he got kicked out of the program for missing the practice exam.

He called me, upset, after receiving the letter telling him that since he failed to show up, he failed to be a member anymore of the paid on-call program.
The reason he called me? Because I am A) A great, wonderful, listening, sympathetic person, and B) Because he supposed that I knew nothing.
And more than anything, all I wanted to do was scream at him that it was his "own damned fault."

However, I remained silent.
And he quit calling me and trying to be my friend finally.
And I started to recover until he started dating her again.

His lies cut me so deeply.
I wouldn't know what his truths do, because I don't think I've ever experienced them.

So now here I am. I know many things now, and feel older now.

I was never a priority, always an option.
And if someone is stupid enough to walk out of my life, I need to be smart enough to let them.
She's going to dump him and break him, and he's going to come back to me once more, but this time I won't know him. I won't let myself take him back.

I want to.
But I won't.

Now I know what I should have known before.
It's boys like him that are the reason girls like me have no self esteem and do not trust anyone.
As much as I want to blame myself for not having given him a reason to stay, the sympathetic side of me wants to think that maybe it's only because of his life. It's only because his dad died his junior year, and his gold digging step mom was a crazy bitch. It's only because Alex treated him like crap that he treated me like crap, too. Hurt people hurt people.

But he could have handled it in a much more mature manner.
He was confused, and because of his confusion, he hurt others. He separated others.

Someday, I will find it in my heart to forgive him and to be his friend, however, right now I cannot forgive him a 491st time. It will not be possible for me to overcome the wave of anger. I am sixteen, and done acting like I'm older for him.

His lies wound their way into my heart just like he did, and I love you was the biggest one he could have told.
If you love someone, you don't just abandon them. You don't leave people out in the cold.

On the plus side, this has given me a bunch of new material to write for piano and guitar. Including the song I'm doing in the talent show this year, or at least auditioning to do. I sing it with so much heartache from him that I'm sure people could feel their aortic chamber cracking in half from the audience when November 21st rolls around.

So, those are my ramblings for tonight. I hope you viewers enjoyed the pessimistic look at my black hole of a life, and how I'm just barely coping without my heart bursting from some odd combustion of hopelessness and depression.

I leave you with new lyrics I've written for the song I'm auditioning to play in the talent show.

Enjoy.

I'm sorry, but I've got to quit answering your calls.
I'm sorry, but you're not sorry at all.

Find another girl to carry your heartache and lack of spine.
I'm gone, you're too late, and yes I'm fine.

Words so empty, I don't believe you, don't believe in me.
This is a euphemism for getting what you deserve.

Find another girl to carry your heartache and lack of spine.
I'm gone, you're too late, and yes I'm fine.

Keep your roses, keep the thorns in the sides, I don't need another lie.
Keep your roses, keep the thorns in the sides, I don't need another lie.

Find another girl to carry your heartache and lack of spine.
I'm gone, you're too late, and yes I'm fine.
Find a girl to carry you, I'm gone, find a girl to carry you, you're wrong.

p.s. In case you were interested, I burnt the dried roses he had brought me, the pictures of us, and the picture of Alex. Who said a little voodoo doesn't help the heart?